By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
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Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
So. Much. Porn.
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