my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
