I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
