i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
