Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
