she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
