Pregnant stripper...not hot.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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