The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
