You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
