I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
