Kiss
Puke
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Found your dick twin last night
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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