Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Randomize
