I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
