She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
