Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
