So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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