I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
