She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
