Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
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