just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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