OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
