So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
