just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Green mimosas i think yes
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
