Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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