Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
