I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
