I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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