Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
