she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
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my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
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My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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