Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Randomize
