I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize
