Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
