this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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