i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
