i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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