There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
