you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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