I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
