The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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