Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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