we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
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The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
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Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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