He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
