hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
