Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
