It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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