between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
