Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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