I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
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There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
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That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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