almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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