you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
