Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
