He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
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she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
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Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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