I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
