why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
The struggles of a small town man whore
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
