hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
