That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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