our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Randomize
