the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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