he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
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Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
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I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
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