i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You had me at "let me see your balls"
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
