Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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