do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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